I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
