WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
