sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
