I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
