All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
