The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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