I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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