I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
