i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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