I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
