i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
