So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
