Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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