My sheets look like a crime scene.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
