Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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