4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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