I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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