I cannot find my penis.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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