Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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