i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
