My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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