The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
