I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We need to get me chipped asap
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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