Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
