That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
