I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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