Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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