You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
