I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
