His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
