Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
