sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
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I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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