he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
