battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My vagina just recognized that song.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
