and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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