I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
