He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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