I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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