I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
