i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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