1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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