Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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