from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
