I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The dick lei will go down in squad history