her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here