I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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