Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This baby is an asshole
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
