I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
