Please, let me fuck your mom
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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