my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
