becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
