Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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