I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
