Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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